By Jeralyn Query 2009
My husband is retired, but he is gone from home a lot. Someone told me he’s seeing another woman named Big Bertha. He was seen at the Country Club, holding her so tenderly, in broad daylight, then swinging her around with all the strength he could muster. Reportedly he then put her in a bag and put a cover on her. When I confronted him with what I’d heard, he explained to me that Big Bertha is his 'driver'. I didn’t know that you had to have someone special to drive the golf cart. Right then I decided, if I ever wanted to see him, I would have to make it a threesome.
First I had to find a set of clubs that fit me. It was easy. I just looked in a sports store for a pink bag with lots of pockets and a place for a bunch of golf clubs. The clubs came in all sizes, so I wandered around the store and put together five clubs that were all the same length. I like things to be neat. When I got home, I set about filling up all the pockets on the golf bag. My bag has 9 pockets, all of them necessary. I filled them with golf balls, tees, markers, flashlight, pictures of my kids, watermelon, stamps, i-pod, parka (you never know when it might start snowing), i-pad, candy, stapler, hot dog and chips.
My husband was reluctant to take me out on the course with him, but I convinced him that he would be glad to have me along. The arrow pointed the way to the first tee. (I noticed it was misspelled.) I was thirsty so I was glad they would be serving it, and I hoped they would use dainty china cups and have “Constant Comment” flavor. I fully expected Big Bertha to be driving our golf cart, but she never did show up. My spouse hit first, and his ball soared. I grabbed a club (this one happened to say “Sand Wedge”), and I placed my ball on a tee right between the two large red markers. My swing was awesome, and I lost sight of the ball. My beloved said I fanned the ball and that it was still on the tee. I swung again, and this time I made it clear to the blue markers, a distance of about 10’. It was my turn again, and again, and again, and again, and again since I hadn’t caught up with my partner’s ball as yet. Two more turns and I actually passed his ball. This time, when I hit it, I heard him say “banana slice”. Wouldn’t you know I didn’t think to put sliced bananas in my bag?
My spouse explained to me how to keep score. He said that par doubled is the most strokes you can take on a hole. Therefore, if a hole is a par 4, once you hit 8 strokes, you can pick up your ball and score an 8. It didn’t take me long to figure out that I didn’t even have to play to score, since I was always over double par.
Figuring out which club to use wasn’t hard. I just used the #1 on the first hole, #2 on the second hole, and so forth. I had to go out of sequence, though, when a small snake went across my path on the 5th hole. I just grabbed my putter and held him down until my husband could come over and “bogie” him into the “rough”.
Just as we were approaching a pond on the 7th hole, someone in the group playing behind us yelled “Four” and his teammate hollered “Duck”. I don’t know how they knew how many birds there were in that lake because they weren’t even to the water yet. I do know that just about that time, a ball whizzed right by my head!
Did you know that all golf balls have a water magnet in them? I couldn’t get past any body of water without making a sacrifice to the water gods. Most of the lakes had ducks on them, and I figured out that you were supposed to “duck-hook” your ball. I did manage to hit a quacker, so I counted that as a birdie.
I got to where I was getting some distance on my shots, and now I had to work on getting them to go straight and stay on the golf course. I noticed my husband looking at his watch frequently, and I finally asked him why he was so concerned with the time. He said that it wasn’t a watch – it was a compass!
I definitely got more for my money. I got to hit the ball many more times than my spouse did. Except for the last hole. Wouldn’t you know it – I hit that ball right into the hole on my first shot. My husband said that it wasn’t fair and that he wasn’t bringing me next time, but I think I can talk him into it. Besides, I still haven’t met Big Bertha.